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Mel Bush's Companion Survival Guide

melbush writes:
Hello!

To aide my fellow companions in surviving their adventures with the Doctor, I have written this useful guide.

PART 1: Encountering Monsters

One thing you will inevitably encounter on your travels is the alien monster. You may want to keep in mind that in these modern times, such creatures prefer to be referred to as "differently-featured non-terrestrials" and calling them "alien monsters" to their face(s) may, in fact, enrage them even more.

However, there are a few things you can keep in mind:

Firstly, stay alert. Monsters like to jump out of dark places. Studies have shown that the greatest risk period for monster encounters is approximately 25-30 minutes after landing, though no one has been able to explain why.

Secondly, when confronted by an alien monster, take careful note of what defensive weapons it has. Any guns are bad. Very bad. Claws, knives and other short-range weapons are better, but not great. An ideal alien monster to be confronted by would have no offensive measures beyond bad breath.

Thirdly, if you have anyone with you who is not a member of the TARDIS crew and whom you have just met, the monster will likely go for them first. You may want to warn them in advance.

When faced with an alien monster which has just jumped out at you, you have several options:

1. Scream. Screaming is cathartic. I heartily recommend it. Also you sometimes get lucky and the monster is sensitive to loud noises.

2. Run. Alien monsters usually move only slowly, so this is usually effective. If the monster has a gun, run in a completely straight line as monster tend to be really bad shots.

3. Counterattack. Unless you are armed this is rarely effective, but can aide your companions in getting away. Also, you should make sure in advance that the alien monster is not, in fact, just being friendly and your attack my be construed as a severe cultural faux pas.

PART 2: Encountering Evil Geniuses

Traveling with the Doctor is risky as he has made many many enemies. Some of these enemies are Evil Geniuses. Evil Geniuses can be easily identified by their propensity for shouting "Nothing in the world can stop me now!", or "So, Doctor, we meet again!"

Sometimes they may try to fool you by dressing up in various disguises. Sometimes the disguises are even half convincing. The best thing to do in this case is play along and hope they let something slip about their Evil Plan.

Evil Geniuses always have Evil Plans. It should be noted that the term "Evil Genius" is merely a title, and the Evil Plan in question can be extremely silly, such as growing a giant brain, or dressing up as extremely fat man and summoning hypersonic jets to prehistoric times to use the crew as a work force to break into a chamber. Not mentioning any names. Any information you can get on the Evil Plan will help the Doctor defeat the Evil Genius.

Evil Geniuses also like to gloat. If you can get an Evil Genius to gloat, they will often go on for half an hour or more, telling you every intricate detail of their Evil Plan. I have taken to carrying a tape recorder for such occasions, though it is slightly embarressing when you have to ask them to hold on a minute while you turn the tape over.

Of course, sometimes the Evil Plan will go horribly wrong, such as when a certain Evil Genius accidentally managed to destroy half the universe. Sometimes this can work in your favour as it means less work has to be done to foil the Evil Plan, but most of the time (as in the example above) it usually means more trouble. I recommend being as far away as possible if you believe an Evil Plan is about to go horribly wrong.

Remember, when the Evil Genius shouts "Nothing in the world can stop me now!" is when either something goes horribly wrong or the Doctor turns up and stops them.

PART 3: Evil Dictatorships

Every so often the Doctor gets the urge to go and topple an evil dictatorship. You can usually tell an evil dictatorship by the fact that there are lots of guards in uniform stomping around. It's best in these situations to humour the Doctor and try to avoid getting into too much trouble. Actually, it's best to do that in just about all situations, but I digress.

Dictatorships are almost always enforced using guards. Your typical guard isn't very bright and usually a bad shot. The smarter members of the populace go into safer occupations like fire-fighting or grizzly bear wrestling. Although mildly dangerous as they can shoot you or tie you up, guards are usually swiftly overcome by a few peasants with pitchforks and hoes. It's best to do whatever they say in case they get excited and shoot you.

Evil Dictators are often aided by Evil Geniuses (see part 2) who will be either concocting ways to accomplish the Dictator's plans, or making plans of their own. Generally these are Evil Geniuses who aren't quite smart or powerful enough to make it on their own, so they may not be as dangerous as a lone Evil Genius. It pays not to assume. They will also be accompanied by a number of minions dressed in white coats. These minions are very weak and a good kick to the breadbasket will usually sort them out.

Sometimes Dictators will have packs of wild animals which they like to let loose after you. The best plan in these circumstances is to run away very quickly. Alternatively you might employ some of the countermeasures detailed in Part 1.

The only way to topple a dictator is to incite the peasants or working classes to rise up and overthrow the oppressive regime. This can often be as simple as finding an inspiring leader or giving them a whole pile of laser guns. If there's a pitched battle, be sure to keep your head down.

Once the Evil Dictator is toppled, and the Evil Genius will usually flee if they haven't already been killed. At this point the Doctor gets bored and it's time to pile back into the TARDIS and go in search of another planet in need of an uprising.

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