The memories were quite faint... insubstantial, vague, and lifeless.
All he could recall clearly was the mountains of snow... snow and
ice. Rainbows and bright colors danced across a crystal sky. But where
was this place? A planet? Yes, it could be a planet... but where?
The cold, the cold... it was so cold here. The nipping winds
brushed violently around his entire body, freezing him and causing him to
shiver more than he thought possible, more than he would have liked.
Fading... the memory was fading. No, don't fade... it was so
cold, but he liked it here. He didn't want to go, to forget. Wait...
this wasn't a planet, this wasn't a place or even a memory. This wasn't
real, this place didn't exist. It was a figment of his imagination, of
his... his subconsciousness?
He was unconscious.
It was this clear realization that revived him. Slowly, his
senses were rehabilitated and he gradually became aware of the quiet hum
of the TARDIS engines. Sights, sounds... but not the warmth. Why was it
still so cold?
His skin was like ice, he could feel that. Smooth as ice...
And now the warmth, suddenly he felt so relaxed and tepid... where was it
coming from? His senses were stronger now and his nerves became
conscious of something warm that had wrapped itself tightly around his
neck. He felt something wet and hot splash onto his shirtsleeves as he
began to hear the choking sobs that convulsed near his cheek.
Someone was hugging him and that someone was crying.
Gradually, he gathered the strength to crack his eyelids open, to
turn his head the fraction he needed to identify the person that held him
so closely. A cascade of flame-colored curls swam into focus and he
became aware of the softness of a lime green sweat suit pressed against
his body. He knew her and before he could stop it, his voice had choked
out her name.
"Melanie?"
In an instant, the sobs stopped and she slowly pulled her arms
away from his neck. He saw clearly the tears that stained her cheeks and
the light tint of red that was quickly spreading across her face.
"Doctor," she said at last. It was almost a whisper but her
voice gradually rose in volume as she continued. "You were in this deep
trance and suddenly your skin had become cold, like ice. I tried
everything I could to revived you but you didn't respond. I thought you
had..." She broke off and turned away.
The Doctor reached out to her. "I was thinking and sometimes I
shut down some of my bodily functions to do that." He rested his hand
gently on her shoulder and - hesitantly at first - he ruffled her hair.
"I'm sorry if I scared you."
Mel stared at him. "Thinking?"
"Yes, sometimes I halt what I'm doing and start thinking... about
the past, other companions, adventures." He smiled. "And sometimes I
can get a little preoccupied without noticing it. Again, I'm sorry." He
suddenly realized that he still had his hand on her shoulder and quickly
removed it.
Unfortunately for him, Mel had noticed this. Her expression
changed and she glared at him. "Why are you afraid of me?" she asked
suddenly.
The Doctor blinked. "Pardon?"
"You have been avoiding me ever since I came here, which was not
that long ago... a month at most? You've been acting as if you are
afraid of me, afraid to get near to me... to speak to me. Why?"
The Doctor opened his mouth to reply only to find that he had
nothing to say to this. So he just stared at her and said nothing.
"I thought as much." Mel stood up and started to walk out of the
room. It was only until now that the Doctor realized where they were.
He had been sitting in a wooden chair in the corner of the console room
and Mel had been kneeling beside him. He halted this recollection when
he realized that Mel's eyes were on him. He looked up at her and was
astonished to find those eyes blurred with tears.
"You don't want me here," she stated, fighting to keep back the
sobs that she knew would come to surface. "Don't doubt that I can't
sense that." With a gasp, she covered her face with her hands and
hurried out of the room.
"Mel, wait..." The Doctor rose from his chair but Melanie had
already gone. With a sigh, he decided that she probably need sometime to
herself and began to busy himself around the console.
"She's right, you know," said a new voice.
Spinning around, the Doctor was shocked to find her standing
there. In her white robes and long jet-black hair she regarded him in
return.
"Oh no, this is the last thing I need... for Rassilon's sake,
leave me alone." The woman smiled and shook her head. The Doctor
sighed, "What are you doing here?'
The newcomer shrugged. "Why not? You certainly need a good
talking to."
"Oh really? Whatever for?"
"I'm surprised you can't guess."
The Doctor moaned and closed his eyes, willing her to vanish from
sight... to leave him in peace. No use. He opened his eyes and she was
still there, still smiling.
"Don't think that you can ignore me, you know very well from the
past that it is impossible. Now why don't you relax and we can have a
little chat."
The Doctor turned away from her and pretended to be adjusting
controls on the console. "It's times like this that I regret that I
created you in the first place," he grumbled. "Over the centuries you
have developed this annoying habit of coming to my assistance when I
least need or expect it."
"For that you can only blame yourself. I am but a figment of
your conscience, your mind created me so that you can have someone to
argue with. And you do enjoy a good argument, don't you?"
The Doctor fiddled with the console and continued to pretend that
she wasn't there, not that it had any effect. She looked on at him
curiously for some time.
"You didn't really mean what you thought at the time, did you?"
she asked him at last. "About not wanting her here."
"It was inevitable," he said automatically, refusing to meet her
gaze.
"Is that true or you just saying that to disguise your real
feelings?"
The Doctor stopped and stared at her. "Whatever is that supposed
to mean?" he shouted, not caring if Mel heard him from down the corridor
or not.
The woman hardly even blinked. "Don't think that I can't sense
the truth about you. In a sense I am you." She paused to let this sink
in. "You spend your time thinking about what has been and what could be,
you refuse to face what is happening now. Well, let me put things strait
for you. You are afraid of her, you're afraid to touch or even speak to
her. The reason is this: in truth, you do want her here. You enjoy her
company and you want to be her friend. But you are afraid of the
consequences, afraid of what would happen to you in the future if you
do."
"But, the Valeyard..." the Doctor stammered.
"Forget the Valeyard! Forget the reason you rejected her, the
reason she stowed away. Concentrate on what's happening at this moment.
She is with you now and there is nothing you can do about it, why don't
you just make the best of it. Be her friend."
For once in his life the Doctor was at a loss for words. He
stared at her, unable to say anything that would make the situation any
easier. For a moment, he was hardly aware that she had continued.
"The past and the future are vague, but the present is crystal
clear. Maybe you should pay more attention to it." With these words
hanging in the air, she vanished.
The Doctor stood alone in his console room, staring at the spot
where she had been standing. Then he realized - as he often did when she
had come and gone in the past - what he had done wrong. He had hurt Mel.
He didn't mean to, but he had hurt her terribly... by ignoring her, by
pretending she wasn't near him when it would have been best to
acknowledge her presence. He turned from the console and glanced at the
inner door that lead to the TARDIS corridors, where Mel had run out
barely minutes ago.
He had been wrong and now it was time to mend the damage.
He walked out of the console room and started strolling down the
corridors. When he approached Melanie's bedroom door, he hesitated. He
had raised his hand to knock when he became aware of quiet sobs coming
from within. With a pang, he decided to abandon the idea of knocking and
open the door. What had he done?
At the sound of her door creaking open, Mel spun around and tried
quickly to wipe the tears from her cheeks. Which didn't help much at all
for the redness of her face gave her away instantly.
The Doctor said nothing at first, only stared at her. "I came to
apologize," he managed to say at last. Mel just looked on at him in
return and he went on. "I realize how hard it must be for you to adjust
to this new way of life and I know very well that I haven't done anything
to help. I know this must be the third time I have said this in the past
ten minutes, but I'm dreadfully sorry." He fished his hand in one of his
many multicolored pockets and handed her a handkerchief, which she
accepted gratefully.
As he watched her wipe at her eyes, he realized painfully what
she had been needing most, and what he had refused to give her all this
time. A friend.
He moved forward without a word when he noticed that her tears
had started to flow once more. And silently, he wrapped his arms around
her and hugged her, allowing her to sob into his shoulder like a friend
would do.
The past and the future were vague to him, but his present was
crystal clear. And he was determined to make the best of it.
The End