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The Church of Bonnie

(This is a parody, this is only a parody, this is not a jab at organised religion, of which several of my friends are members.)

In the Beginning...

  1. And lo, in the third day, of the second month, of the first year, the prophet came unto the people, and saith, behold!. And the people looked unto the prophet and saith, what?
  2. And the prophet held aloft the tablets, and on the tablets was inscribed the ten commandments.
  3. Lo, spake the prophet, I have spoken unto Her, and She has given unto me these commandments.
  4. And Her command is ye shall abide by Her commandments.
  5. For they be wise and knowledgeable
  6. And She said unto me to impart these unto ye.
  7. And the people beheld the commandments and saw that they were indeed wise and knowledgeable. And they jumped up and down cutely.
  8. And beyond the river, whence dwelt the disbelievers and the heathens, there came the sound of great chundering.
  9. And whence the people beheld the commandments, and they saith:

The Commandments

  1. Thou shalt strive to improve thy cuteness.
  2. Thou shalt drink carrot juice and exercise daily.
  3. Thou shalt not utter the phrase: I'll thqueam and thqueam and thqueam until I'm thick!
  4. Thou shalt wear brightly coloured clothing with puffy bits.
  5. Remember you're a Womble.
  6. Thou shalt drink carrot juice and exercise daily.
  7. Thou shalt check all swimming pools for homicidal pool cleaners.
  8. Thou shalt be nice to people always.
  9. Thou shalt be nice to computers, for they are your friends.
  10. Did I mention the carrot juice?

The Book of Genesys

Was written by John Peel, but as it doesn't involve Mel, it need not concern us.

  1. In the beginning, there was the world, and the world was dreary and grey.
  2. And the people were morose and so forth.
  3. And then She came upon the world, and there was much rejoicing, and the earth filled with colour and was blessed.
  4. And thereafter the people were happy, or at least those who actually liked Her, but the rest didn't matter anyway.
  5. And so the great Lloyd Webber said, let there be Cats! And She graced the stage, and the audience was well pleased.
  6. Upon which She saith, behold my avatars! And there were three:
  7. Melanie Bush, aspect of good health and computers,
  8. Lena Marelli, aspect of singing and dancing,
  9. And Violet Elizabeth Bott, athpect of thqueaming and thqueaming.
  10. And the enlightened saw them, and they were good, even after the critics rubbished them.

What is the Church of Bonnie

[Worship Bonnie Langford Today!]The Church of Bonnie is an organisation dedicated to educating the heathen Bonnie-haters and the ignorant about the true glory of Bonnie Langford. Established five minutes ago over glasses of warm carrot juice, the Church intends someday to have a long and respected history. Until then, we will continue to bring knowledge to the masses and hope for repentance from the disbelievers.

Build high for happiness! Join the Church of Bonnie today! (Flame mail will be sent to the cleaners.)

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